Through the experience in finding out that my father has an advanced stage of cancer, I have been reminded of the fact that, to the outside, it seems as though I cannot catch a break regarding the topic of shit happening to my parents.
Believe me, I see what you see - even if you don’t say it. I mean, weeks prior to me finding out about my father, I blogged about missing my mother during Christmas and I was crying on a vlog about how old feelings were being brought back up as I packed up our life for the Middle East. Then, in the same day of creating that video, I found out my mother had been in jail since September 2018, and again, went online to talk about how life goes on even when a little hardship is thrown your way; almost an appropriate self-talk in what was to come in my life.
It was like I blinked, and I was thrown into the middle of my father’s illness. There was no part of me that wanted to share that topic with any of my viewers because I knew the internal response from many would be, ‘poor Candice.’
I’m sorry, but no...not poor Candice.
I have sat with tears streaming down my face telling my husband that the marrow of my bones hurt with news of my father, never knowing that was even a thing, and still looking up at him and asking, “I’m not a bitch for crying this hard, right?”. I have trained myself, with professional help, to look at tears in situations as nothing more than an emotional response that will end eventually. Yes, there have been days that I cannot stop crying - telling myself “doctors do not prescribe emotions” just to have the strength to take a shower.
The thing that I have not handled right, in the past, is responses to many events. This varies from shutting down and refusing to see what was in front of me, to hysterically throwing clothes around my apartment and screaming at whoever would listen. Still, neither of those reactions had ever gotten me to a place of peace.
When I heard of the news regarding my father, I stood up within the first day and promised myself that I was going to handle this differently than I have ever handled a situation. I was bound and determined to allow myself to process each emotion for exactly how it was presented - even going as far to say out loud to my husband, “I am sad” as soon as the Dementors of my soul started ascending upon the fibers of my scalp. What I learned was that as soon as I said the words, I was able to release the emotion to the Universe and allow it to come back with whatever was necessary. Sometimes, Will would stand up to play “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley, and other times he would grab me in and hold me - validating that the sadness needed to be addressed.
I have learned in this to not trust myself as my own Savior and to outsource. My past approach had been to run around doing projects and distract myself from my feelings. However, I do not have that luxury in freshly moving in another land. While I have locals who have so kindly reached out to show me around the country, I have recognized the need to sit in solitude and learn how to be okay within my soul. To that, I see now that I am no longer afraid my own silence and embrace future solo travels as an opportunity to learn with my father. Sometimes, it’s almost as though I can step outside of my body and view a situation from the perspective as nothing, except for what it is - not mixing my own past hurt in with the scenery. Though most of the time, that is when I have a camera in my hand.
I have absolutely everything I need to combat the hard times ahead with my family - knowing as soon as it is over, I get to hold the hand of a man that my dad so deeply loves. I will leave the United States completely confident in the life that I have been given and know that my father has put his blessing upon my marriage, even though it initially went against the grains of his traditions. And in his beginning hesitations, I am self-assured that my peacefully made choices have always been good, pure, and I will continue to be blessed by my father, far after he is gone - so long as I chase after those motives.
This month has been filled with laughter, tears, hurt, and play. And while I am kind to myself along the way, I am not sorry that I have personal struggles. For it is in these moments of learning and love that I am made whole - this being the greatest product of my life. I am very fortunate for my intuition and trust that if I am to continue a life well lived, I must always move to feel the voice of Love.
And while you shouldn’t feel bad for me, I would be remiss not to tell you that I am deeply hurting over the news of my father, the choices that my mother has made, and wish more than anything that she was here to hold our family together. There is a hole that has been highlighted with her absence and I have deeply needed a “mommy” in this. But those are natural feelings for anyone in my situations, and nothing that you can do, think, or say will ever take that pain away - for it is that pain that has manifested in beautifully productive ways, to which I am positive that the results will be unimaginably great.