I sit, scratching my head.
I don’t even know where to begin with the madness that my life has become consumed around.
I have read 7,000 words from my mother since my father has passed - only spanning six days that she’s actually sent material.
I have heard of her phone calls, harassing my family members and friends.
I have had to cut out a family member who has been sharing information about my life to my mother for years, without my knowledge.
All while I am supposed to be mourning the death of my father.
There are no tears left to cry except for those in my family who loved him and the memory of how deeply I was/am loved. And in all honesty, I end most recent nights laughing at the absurd manipulation that is attempted to be cast upon my life.
I recently reached out to an online addiction forum and shared this particular email with the users. I had a response back that said, “Manipulators keep talking because they think it will confuse you into believing them.”
While I maintain that most of the things I read from my mother are incredibly humorous, there is nothing more ridiculous to me than her trying so forcefully to rewrite history, facts, and memories that are engrained in my mind.
Desperation has been used, leading her to tell me, “…your recollections are so far out there.”
These attempts have only made me remember this memory, below.
Emailed to my mother, January 29, 2014 - I share this with you.
I didn’t know then, at 24 years old, but these words would completely forge my continued life….
In the truth of my past words, I am brought to a total place of appreciation for my mother and I thank her for every horrible thing that was done to my family.
If I hadn’t watched her slowly lose her life to a drug and her own narcissism, I would have run from my father who needed me to usher himself to peace, during his last breaths.
It was because of her earth-shattering decisions that my father and I bonded closer than ever and his bravery in his last moments allowed me to have the gumption to truly tell my own story of truth, fearlessly.
It is because of my mother that I have no issues in saying goodbye to people who prove themselves to have ill-intentions, and joyfully welcome those who continue to prove themselves as family members to me - giving me a soft supportive place to land when needed.
It is because of her that I am so grateful for those who have betrayed me because it only fuels a deep burning fire within my soul - working as hard as I can to bind closer to those who feel alone in their stories.
I have been made whole through the renewing of my life - and damn, I have had a great ride since I stood up that chilly 2014 winter day and said, “No more”.