I’m back, with not nearly as much excitement as I had the week before. So, if you are looking for an upbeat post which includes the glories of preparing for an international move - you’re more than welcome to refer yourself somewhere else. There will be little joy shown, today.
I say this often, but I find myself back to this creative medium which allows myself to spill everything that I am and teaching me, in return, to let people’s eyes into my life when so often I want to hide. Thus, I am here on my bed, with headphones and a beanie covering my ears - shutting out the world a tiny bit.
I went into Cabela’s with Will yesterday, and the woman employee thanked me for “sacrificing” with my husband. I walked away and rolled my eye all the way to the back of my head (that was the second time - only after she asked if the Middle East was in Korea. LOL!). But, personally, no - I am not sacrificing anything, over here. Sacrificing is giving up years of speaking to your drug addicted mother to live a normal life. I sacrifice nothing for the military. And what I wanted to say is, “correction, I am giving up sanity and mental fortitude for the sake of my husband’s job” - no different than I’m sure a politician’s wife would. It’s called supporting the ones you love and their dreams/desires to accomplish something in the life they’ve been given. I have a career, I have friends and family, I have everything I need. What I don’t have is a type of physical address stability that I foresaw in my life and career. Granted I lived in the same town until I was 26 years old and my family wasn’t in the military - so, to someone like me...yea...this all seems nuts. But, I’m in no way ever comfortable with someone thanking me for putting my husband’s desires as a priority. It’s called common wifely decency when you have a man as amazing as Will.
On the other hand - whoever has thought that I, at least, knew what I was getting myself into when I married a man in the military (yes, it’s happened) definitely has never been closely tied to this life. This year, I have spent more time on the phone crying to people than I would ever like to admit. So, to know that there are thoughts out there that any military spouse “should have known” what they were getting themselves into is heartbreaking. This thought process is the only time that I will pull the military card. In all, thinking to myself ‘you really have no idea what life is like being strapped to the back of government. Knowing long before it’s too much that it is truly impossible for your husband to ever say “okay, we’ve had enough...bye” if that entrapment should ever come to that point mid-contract. You have no idea what it is like to have plans A-F in your mind, only to find out that the powers-to-be chose plan G, and you were never prepared for plan G. WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS PLAN G...IT SUCKS! But, nope..we can’t say a word because guess what?! - the military owns your ass. So, get back in line and enjoy the things that most people would die to have.’
Those things - job security, retirement, a pension, free college, and amazing medical. And to that, you smile and remember that your husband will always have total job security - chanting “9 more years” over and over and over in your mind.
As I meditate on those words, I fully acknowledge that I am an overplanner - I want to always have an idea of what will be thrown at me and never to be taken by surprise. However, it’s been six years in this life of unknowns - and every year brings a brand new set of learning curves that we both have to overcome. Granted, we continue to grow together in every new step - but, just when you think you’ve grown all that you can grow, you find out that there is more and more refining that you can be doing. #welcometolife
I am not complacent with my husband or the life that we live when we shut his work outside of our walls. I am just very tired of the Navy leading a full year of growth. I want to look at it and tell it “NO MORE” - but, we both know that I will get a face full of lessons. So, I’m not saying a word and hoping these cynical thoughts turn upwards. I’m just really pissed off by this week. You know, that pissed off where you don’t want to hear anyone tell you that you need to calm down and breathe? Truthfully, I just need a night to type, look like a homeless woman in bed, and say,“tomorrow is a new day”.
P.s. I know I didn’t touch on the events of this week - I’m saving your eyes. I’ll speak on it later - but, let’s just say… animals are incredibly hard to PCS with and we will be meeting Will two weeks after he arrives in Bahrain. We love those furballs, even more than human children. ;)