I am slowly recognizing the mental game that an international move has on some brains – mine in particular. The months and days leading up to this transition have been laced with a mixture of total apprehension and spurts of great excitement. For me though, much denial.
I spent most of my early twenties working to plan my future, obsessively. In all of that planning, I would have never dreamed to have met my wonderful husband and his fur child. Once I realized that my future realities had the potential to be far better than anything that I had envisioned for myself, I stopped planning. Okay yes, I think about the necessities as far as moves I can make for my career – but, I transitioned thoughts to not even attempt to see myself in new places.
While I have moments of picturing myself walking down the streets of England and visiting the coasts of Ireland, there is a lack of even being able to comprehend what Middle Eastern living looks like.
Am I excited for the chance to see it? Absolutely! But, I just can’t see it.
So, there is around 60 days until we are leaving and because I can’t see it…I am overwhelmed – by everything. Besides work, I don’t want to leave the house. I am way too scared that I will meet a new person that I will connect deeply with or that I will even find a new drink that I will want to bring with me to my new home. I don’t want to cook because I will be without a kitchen for 45 days, and I want to know what that feels like now. I don’t want to unpack my tote of makeup, because I need to understand how that will feel working out of that container while being in a hotel room.
Maybe over-planning turned into excessive preparations.
(enter rant) Then, there is the difficulty in even carrying conversations with people that I left back home in Washington as it seems like many are “sad” to see me leave the United States. Don’t get me wrong, I feel very loved. But, I find myself having a hard time wrapping my head around this – I’ve been away from WA for 3 years. I’ve grown relationships from 3,000 miles away exponentially – and yet, an extra 4,000 miles is what makes people sad? I’m sorry to tell you all, that’s not that big of a difference once you’re already on the other side of the country. So, please…put yourself in my shoes – if you were trying to pack up your life, move it to a foreign country, and transition your entirety…how helpful would it be to hear these things from your home, two stations ago? (end rant)
So, yea…I am going into a little bit of hiding. I don’t want to post much on Instagram, because taking any sort of business is over and really, this is a part of life that I don’t want many people to know about.
Yet, I find myself coming back to this platform – my safe spot. The place I go to connect when I feel like connections will be lost, and force myself to remember not to hide. Even in the unknowns of transition, I can extend a pinkie out to everyone and say…moving is coming along. I am frustrated, melancholy, and excited. I don’t need many people around me right now, as I really just want to be left alone with my thoughts, moving tasks and my home. I am not depressed or sad and I don’t want people messaging or commenting me pieces of hope for hope sake. I have all the hope and strength that I need. What I need is this – a place to sit quietly and write to you all – knowing that wherever I am mentally and in the world, I can talk to you, you will talk back, and there will be a heart conversation when even no words are said.
And please, stop being sad that I’m leaving “your country”. I don’t know if you know this, but we ALL live in a big place called planet earth.
Extend your mind’s border.